Archive for ‘would someone please just tell me to shut up’

January 27, 2011

the best show that no one is watching

friday night lights.

i want every single person i know and love to watch this show, for no other reason than that they will understand why i can’t shut up about it and why i am already mourning the finale before it has even aired.  it is simply incredible.  the characters, the stories, the acting, the way it’s filmed.  incredible.

the thing i love about this show is that you don’t hear much about it.  it doesn’t get a lot of press.  it seems like it doesn’t have a huge audience but everyone, and i mean everyone, who does watch it is absolutely nuts about it.  people who don’t watch it don’t know what they’re missing, people who do watch it love it.  the downside of the lack-of-press is that it’s going off the air after five seasons.  i’m not handling this well at all.

whenever i mention my obsession for friday night lights i hear the same thing; “isn’t it just about football?”  to those people, i just want to make clear, oh. my. god.  it is SO not just about football.   i had the same reservations, i’m ashamed to admit now, for the first season-and-a-half (don’t worry, i caught up later) when my husband tried to get me to watch it with him.  “ugh,” i thought, “more football? no thanks.”  i married a sports fanatic so i get enough football already, thankyouverymuch, but then i watched it and lord help me if i wasn’t hooked.  it became our own friday night ritual to snuggle in bed together and watch every episode.  we had to switch our date-night to wednesdays after we got DirecTv (they air the season before NBC gets its hands on it) but it is still our main show and the highlight of our week.

we just finished tonight’s episode.  only two more to go before it is all over.  the story lines are all wrapping up, the final game of the season is upon us.  i’m praying for a miracle that would allow the show to go on for another season and preparing myself for the finale.  if you’re a fan of the show, i love you.  if you’ve never seen it, i ask you to feast your eyes on this photo of Tim Riggins and then ask yourself why the hell you’re not watching?


June 13, 2009

all signs point to "who knows"

should we, or should we not?  before i got pregnant with avery i knew that i wanted to have a baby.  that whole baby fever thing?  yeah, i had it bad.  i was certain that i wanted to get pregnant.  i was certain that i wanted to become a mother.  there was no question.  i just knew.  

then, there was colic.  there was postpartum depression.  there were sleep issues.  there was anxiety.  there were marital ups and downs.  the adjustment to motherhood and parenthood has been a tough one; much harder than i ever expected it to be.  the certainty that we felt about Number One became the certainty of Only One.  as in no more.  never again.  

but lately, there has been a little murmur of hmmm, just maybe starting to rise, but i’m certainly far from certain.  

people have started to ask, “so, when are you having Number Two?” and my brain yells NEVER AGAIN, and my gut yells NEVER AGAIN, and part of my heart yells NEVER AGAIN.  but then there is just a little piece of me that says hmmm, just maybe.  i’ve spent time three of my friends’ itty bitty babies this week and felt a teeny tiny twinge of nostalgia and yearning, but also a sizable twinge of “oh shit, not yet.”  i can’t figure out which twinge is more frightening. 

recently i’ve been seeing our chosen boy name everywhere.  (yes, we do have names picked even though we haven’t decided if this is a for-sure thing).  it is not a common, garden-variety name so its presence is somewhat curious.  last week i had two baby dreams.  in the first i was folding boy’s clothes.  in the second we had another little girl.  in my dreams i was totally okay with having a second child. if you’re the type to believe in dreams and signs, you’d start to wonder if these little hints mean something more.  my conscious brain is not quite there yet, but i have to wonder if maybe these dreams and signs are my subconscious mind’s way of moving me toward readiness. 

i don’t know what to make of all this.  i honestly don’t know if i’m strong enough to make it through the first year again.  i don’t think i can handle another “difficult” baby again.  i wonder if i’m being selfish because i don’t want to go back to the days of struggle and tears.  i am scared of feeling unhinged and crazy again, though i’ve already decided that i will stay on the Crazy Pills if we decide to go for Number Two.  i want my daughter to have the chance at a wonderful sibling relationship, and i worry that she would miss out on something special if she is an only child…but is that alone a valid reason to have another child?

right now i guess it’s all hypothetic.  i just wish i had a sense of certainty either way.  i feel like i should feel a strong sense of baby fever like i did before avery, and the fact that i don’t feel it is a sign that i am not ready and that i might never be.   maybe.

February 2, 2009

random thought

have you ever wondered why it says “for best results refrigerate after opening” on packaged prunes? really?  for best results?  are the shit-inducing properties of cold prunes really that much more efficacious than those of warm ones? has anyone ever said, “a-HA!  so that’s why i haven’t taken a dump in a week.  i’ve been eating my prunes at room temperature!”  i doubt it.  maybe they should consider changing the packaging to say “to retain freshness” or something.

December 5, 2008

i am so not exciting enough to have a blog

the only productive thing around here the last few days have been my lungs. seriously. who knew that so much phlegm could come out of one person. ::hack, cough, spit…die:: i am not enjoying this cold at all. i am happy to report that i had enough energy to make a quick trip to target today, but really only because we were in desperate need of milk and dog food. and christmas decorations, apparently. damn target always sneaking little “extras” into my cart. how does that happen? my love affair with target seems to be back in full swing. i tried to stay away but it’s a hard habit to break.

the irony of this whole plague of death that i am suffering right now is that just a few days ago – before i was so violently struck down by this evil cold – is that i was contemplating “illness” versus “wellness” and making personal commitments to get myself really healthy. ain’t that just a bitch?! monday evening i was feeling fine, thinking about my plan of attack for conquering my well-being. i went to the store and bought all sorts of vitamins and healthy stuff….and then, cue the plague. i woke up tuesday morning feeling like a giant bag o’ ass that got hit by a truck, full of wheezes and sneezes and coughs and aches and voiceless fury. perhaps my body is protesting the introduction of healthy nutrients? an anti-vitamin revolt, of sorts?

it’s been a few days of whiiiiiinnnnneeeee, mommmy’s dyyyyiiiinnnnnggggg and i am still feeling like crap. thankfully my husband has been extremely helpful in taking over some of the mommy duties, even though he is not feeling well either, so i’ve been able to get some rest. i am not good at being sick. god help us all if i ever have something really bad happen to me. if i complain this much about a damn cold, can you imagine what i would be like if i were ever actually really ill?

so, yeah. i am a total bore and i haven’t taken any good pictures either (stay tuned for craptastic cameraphone pics of me in my pestilent glory!) hopefully i will start feeling better soon.

November 6, 2008

iCovet: shameless materialism at its best

things i would buy right now if i won the powerball, or if any of y’all win the powerball and feel like sending gifts my way, feel free. 

dyson vacuum

pink retro kitchen

tiffany 1837 ring

and this ring too

this table

a macro lens

and world peace and an end to hunger and clean air and drinking water for all.  amen, the end.

October 21, 2008

pretend food is easier to cook

would I be introducing my daughter to a lifetime of gender-stereotyped, june cleaverish, “women belong in the kitchen” sort of anti-feminist expectations if I bought her the pink retro kitchen set from pottery barn kids? I secretly (or perhaps not so secretly, now that I am telling all of you) want it for myself. a pretend kitchen seems like it would be so much more fun (not to mention easier to clean) than my real kitchen.

September 26, 2008

i'm going to go live on a hippie commune

i don’t care about handbags, i never wear jewelry other than my wedding ring and a toe ring that’s been on my foot for 15 years, i am barefoot 90% of the time (the other 10% i am wearing flip flops), i don’t give a rat’s ass about fashion, i eat organic food, i don’t wear makeup, i cloth diaper my baby, i dream about planting a huge garden (after i get my black thumbs replaced with green ones), i listen to NPR obsessively, i believe in liberty and justice for all, and i meditate and do yoga daily.  i think i’d fit right in. 

do you think hippie communes have wi-fi?

September 26, 2008

up next: fire and brimstone

::zzzztttt  ppppfffffff::

that’s the sound of my brain shutting off.  it’s a matter of self-preservation at this point.  i can’t watch the news, i can’t think about politics, i can’t listen to one more word about wall street and the economy and trillion-dollar bailouts, and OHMYGOD if i have to hear another word out of sarah palin’s mouth i am going to reach through the tv and grab her fucking rifle and whack her over the head with it.  

it’s all just too much.

we are fortunate, though.  my husband has a job.  i have an education, so if push came to shove i could get a job.  we have a lovely, comfortable home.  we are not saddled with mountains of “bad” debt (let’s all agree that student loans are “good” debt, okay?), we have health insurance (unlike 46 million of my fellow americans – let’s talk about that for a second, senator mccain).

i care about politics, i care passionately about this election.  i am scared to think about what could happen if the republicans continue to control the white house.  i am terrified to imagine my daughter growing up in a country where women don’t have the right to choose, where she will not get a decent education, where human rights and civil liberties no longer exist.  

i urge every single person in this country to register AND vote.  study the candidates, study the issues, determine what is important to you and to the future of this country.  as a woman, as a mother, as an american, and as a human, i truly believe that the future is in OUR hands.  

if you hear me screaming at the tv during the debate tonight, please bring wine.

September 6, 2008

p.s. today was indeed a better day

yesterday was one of those days.  it was gray and gloomy outside and i think that really took a toll on my mood.  my little girl, who is normally very sweet and mellow, has been a bit cranky for the past few days and i just hit my limit.  we are barely on the cusp of toddlerhood and she is already testing out her toddler-sized attitude.  she’s been whiny and fussy and hellbent on throwing all her food on the floor and putting none of it in her mouth.  she learned to climb the stairs and open the back door, she has discovered every flaw in my attempt to baby-proof the house.  i got to the point of needing a break; i just didn’t want to do it anymore.  i was suddenly just so tired of being “on” all the time and i wanted to go back to the days before i had a kid and before i had responsibility, and i just wanted to go to sleep and not have to do anything.  i wanted to drink heavily and watch crappy movies and have a good cry and forget about the load of diapers in the wash and the crust of blueberry-streaked goo smeared all over my hardwood floors.  i know that it is part of life and that all parents feel this way from time to time, but i hate that i jump to that ugly “woe is me, this is just too hard, i can’t do this anymore” mindset.  i know that this is just a phase and she won’t be fussy forever, but even if she were a constant crankball i know that i am strong enough to handle it.  i need to remember to enjoy the awesome moments (there are many), breathe through the tough times, and remind myself that tomorrow is another day.  

August 29, 2008

thank god it was just the meatballs

before i became a mother i always thought that i’d have two, maybe three kids.  since my baby’s birth i’ve changed my tune and now i think this is enough.  one child is enough for me.  of course i am speaking as someone who battled through the trenches of colic and still bears the mental and emotional scars of general newborn suckitude.  having a newborn is hard, hard, hard, and anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional or high.  everyone said, “wait until she’s one.  you’ll want another.  the baby fever kicks in big-time.”  guess what.  she’s one now, and the the anti baby-fever has developed into a full on plague.  i say this cautiously because i know many women who have struggled with infertility and who would give anything for a baby.  (side note of awesome: two of my dear “formal infertile” friends are now expecting babies of their own!  i am SO excited for them.)  i also say it carefully because two of my other dear friends who have children just months older than my little monkey have recently announced that they are expecting their number-twos.  i am thrilled for them, but with each announcement i think, “good for them.  so glad it’s not me.” i’m just not ready.  i’m not sure i will ever be ready.  i love my baby.  i love our family of three.  i love being a mom to my little bug, but i don’t know if i’m cut out to be a mom of two (or, god help me) more than two kids.  being a mom is exhausting.  i’m sure it gets easier as they grow and become more independent, but right now the thought of something as trivial as getting two kids in and out of their carseats successfully, without a giant YOU FAIL bubble popping up over my head, sounds like an insurmountable yet unavoidable task in the world of more-than-one-spawn. 

i ate some leftover spaghetti and meatballs for lunch yesterday and felt all bloated and nauseated after my meal…it felt a lot like the early stages of pregnancy.  i had a momentary “ohmygodwhatif?” freak out that these symptoms meant that i was going to become a mom to two under two.  i began running through my mental calendar….when was my last period, when did we have “relations”, did i take all my pills, oh no this can’t be happening.  i added up all the factors and discovered, to my delight, that the chance of me being pregnant is remarkably slim.  huge sigh of relief.  remind me to never eat leftover meatballs again, mmmkay?

i’m sure if you give me more time i may change my mind again.  i do want my baby to have a sibling (even though i don’t have the greatest relationships with my siblings, but that’s a story for another day). i do want my husband to have the opportunity to be a daddy again.  it’s just been so much harder than i thought it would be, and the idea of starting all over again makes me more nauseous than those meatballs ever could.