how to rub me the wrong way. literally.

i went to one of those Discount Massage Places today out of desperation. i have a regular massage therapist, and shame on me for being disloyal, i should really know better, but today i needed someone to work out the knots, like NOW. the tension in my neck has been brewing and my jaw is pulled so far to the side it feels as though i’m kissing my own right ear. sadly, after an hour of work on it, i feel no relief.

the massage therapist was a mannish woman with a rather unfortunate build and a bad perm. i’m no expert, but i think she received her training through a correspondence course or perhaps she bought her license online. flat out, worst massage ever. i know i shouldn’t complain. after all, a bad massage is *still* a massage. that’s like complaining about bad sex. it’s still sex, right? how bad can it be? but my god, i had to refrain from crying out, “stop! just stop!” not even halfway through. i didn’t know what to do; it’s an awkward spot, that’s for sure. i felt rather vulnerable, seeing as there was nothing but a sheet separating my nakedness from this woman, so i didn’t want to insult her, but at the same time i was paying for this service so i wanted my money’s worth. the whole thing was like quick.quick.pinch.grab.grab.rub.pinch.rub.poke.poke not at all soothing. not at all therapeutic. all really grabby and totally manic.

there’s really no point to this whole story, other than to hear myself whine about a totally first-world problem (oh, boo-hoo, bad massage) but i’m out $39 plus tip and i still have a whacked out jaw and shoulders ratcheted up to my earlobes so i’m irritated. i shall be calling on the amazing superstar nanna, who is the absolute cat’s meow when it comes to massage therapists, to work me over good, and i shall never again stray. i’ve learned my lesson.

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One Comment to “how to rub me the wrong way. literally.”

  1. I had a bad massage in Budapest from this rather manish woman (?) who used baby powder instead of massage oil (I guess so people didn’t gunk up the spa water.) I think it only cost me $10, but I still felt jipped. You don’t want someone messing with you if they don’t know what they’re doing, and it’s like you’re being held hostage. So 1st world problem, yes, but hostage situation nonetheless!

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