Archive for March, 2010

March 31, 2010

random morbid musings…

i remember someone, my dad, maybe, or perhaps my grandma, say that one of the hardest things about getting old is that you start to see people in your life die.  you lose friends, family, co-workers, neighbors.  sure, people die every day, but it becomes more frequent as you age.  it seems that the longer you live, the more death becomes part of your life.  already i’ve seen people in my peer group pass away, so at 32 i’m noticing that it has become part of my world.

i guess i started thinking about this when my friend’s wife passed away a few months ago.  not from an accident or a sudden tragedy, but from cancer.  when i was younger, it seemed that cancer was something that happened to “old people” but now, already, i cannot even count the people i know who are my age (read: not “old”) who have been touched by it.

this got me thinking about classmates who have passed away, and sadly, i realize that there have been many.  their lives were cut short by suicide, various forms of cancer, murder, car accidents, overdoses, and afghanistan.  and these are just the ones that i have heard of and can think of off the top of my head.

i’m not trying to be all depressing around here, it’s just food for thought.  it really does make me appreciate the fragility of life and embrace every single day, every moment, every breath.

excuse me…i need to go hug my baby now and give thanks for every second i am blessed to be with her.

::sniff::

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March 30, 2010

just wondering…

would my mommy-card be taken away if i hired a night-nanny to stay up with the baby so i can avoid that whole sleep deprivation nightmare after he’s born?  i wonder how much that would cost anyway….

p.s. i’m due in 31 days.

p.p.s. eeeeek!

March 3, 2010

if misery loves company, take that shit elsewhere

rev run posted the following two tweets yesterday:

“life’s a movie…stop playing the victim”

“the more you feel like a victim, whine like a victim, and act like a victim…the more you get victimized”

i totally agree.

aside from not wanting to work with crappy parents and their abused and/or neglected kids when trying to raise my own children, one of the reasons i left my job is that my tolerance for bullshit is just not very high.  i am a great listener, i love to help people, and i have a tremendous amount of empathy for people struggling through life, but i found that i am terribly impatient when it comes to people who refuse to take ownership of their problems and assume an active role in finding solutions.  blaming others, eternalizing responsibility, pointing fingers, acting like a victim, believing that other people are the cause of all your issues…these are the behaviors that drove me away from the counseling field, although the shitty pay might have also had something to do with it.  these behaviors are also the reason i hated working with addicts and people with personality disorders, and might also be why i get so wound up while watching Intervention on tv.

i’m not saying that i am completely innocent of this.  there are certainly days when i stomp my feet and want to scream “it’s not fair!”  in the past, however, there were months and years in which i felt this way.  i was angry, i was depressed, i was lonely.  the world was out to get me.  it had to be someone else’s fault.  everything was someone else’s fault.  i was miserable, only i couldn’t see that….or at least i couldn’t admit that.  my misery came out as quiet, self-righteous anger, and so i turned inward, silently cursing everyone around me for causing my pain.  this behavior ruined many opportunities to enjoy life and form friendships.  it caused me to make some bad choices.  it was such a waste and i wish i could have those months and years back.  i wish i had found a way to heal back then.

getting from there to here has not been an easy process, but the change started within me.  i was tired of being depressed and angry and lonely.  i realized that every “why me?” excuse was keeping me in the problem instead of moving toward a solution.  i started looking at the root of my issues, exploring my role in causing them, and then looking forward at my role in resolving them and instituting lasting change for the future.   exciting stuff, huh?  after all that, it was not a surprise to me that i was really drawn toward strength-based solution-focused therapy when i worked as a counselor.  i had personal experience to prove that change is possible.

i practice mindfulness, i count my blessings, i try to be compassionate, i think before i act, i actively give thanks for all i have to be grateful for.  i still experience moments in which i feel like everything is someone else’s fault, i think that’s human nature to some degree, but i don’t get stuck there, and that’s a nice thing.  it saddens me when i see people who are struggling with this battle day after day.  i remember how exhausting it was to be miserable and angry all the time , and i know now how much i missed out on the good stuff because i was stuck in the bad stuff all the time.   when i see people, especially friends, stuck in the bad stuff, i just want to shake them and wake them up to their misery and say, “don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself by doing this?  come on, let’s get happy!” not in those exact words, of course, but you get the gist.  i guess the bottom line that i found worked for me was learning that a) it sucks to be miserable, b) you don’t have to live your life in misery, and c) no one but yourself is responsible for causing your misery, and no one but you has the power to make it better.  so, c’mon folks…let’s all get happy!