Archive for February, 2010

February 25, 2010

kiddo: 1, mama: 0

do you remember that scene in “dumb and dumber” when one of them asks, “do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?” and then makes a noise not unlike that produced by a dying goose being strangled by a cat in heat inside the instrument of a novice bagpiper?  part of you wants to yell, “OHDEARLORD make it stop!” but the other half cannot help but laugh because it’s just so stupidly funny.  my daughter has discovered that that little recipe for humor is pure gold, only instead of obnoxious noises she uses an invasion of personal space mixed with absolute syrupy sweetness to drive me bananas.

tonight she was like a little velcro baby;  climbing on me, clinging to every inch of my body, draping her limbs all over me just to get under my skin.  when i’d ask her to give mommy some space she’d look into my eyes, wrap her arms around my neck and say, “but i love you, mommy.”  no, really baby….mama needs a little room to breathe.  “i love you more than anything, mama.”  child giggles devilishly, marvels at her own cleverness and drapes herself even more insistently across my chest/lap/face until i am aggravated to a point where all i can do is just laugh.  i give up.  i wouldn’t tolerate such annoyance from anyone else but her.  she’s two-and-a-half and she has got my number.

February 22, 2010


switching a blog’s theme should be easy, right?  when i preview it it looks fine and dandy.  when i visit my site, it’s all sorts of whack.  maybe i should learn something about web design before i go off and try to prettify things around here.

February 22, 2010

at what point is it appropriate to freak out?

dear pregnant-brain self,

hey, um, do you remember that time you had a newborn baby?  the one that cried a lot and didn’t sleep much?  specifically, do you remember that one thirty-six hour period in which said baby slept for only a total of SIX hours and wailed inconsolably for the remainder of that time if not being held and rocked in a state of constant movement?  and then how she was diagnosed with colic after that?  and then how you felt suicidal and homicidal and varying other degrees of murderous rage, and how you wanted to find the bastard who coined the term “sleep like a baby” and dig him (you know it was a man) up from his grave and torture him with sleep deprivation and then kill him again?  that was fun, wasn’t it?

you realize that your due date is only 66 days away, right?

at what point are you going to realize that it’s not just “we’re having another baby” but more like “holy shit, we’re going to HAVE ANOTHER BABY!  living in our house.  forever.”

here’s a paper bag.  breathe into it.  i’d advise you to put your head between your knees, but seeing as how you can’t even bend over to tie your shoes these days i’ll refrain.  who am i to mock a woman in your delicate condition?

but, hey, relax.  really.  it can’t be as bad the second time around, i’m sure.  they say lightning doesn’t strike twice, right?  or did i hear something about lightning strike victims being more likely to get struck a second time…hmm…hold on, let me google that.  can i get you a cocktail while you wait?  oh, right…no drinking while pregnant.  sorry about that.  more for me, i guess.  cheers!

anyhow, there’s no way baby #2 can be as difficult as baby #1, and even if he is as challenging, remember that you did survive it the first time, blessed be the power of Xanax and vodka.  plus, you’ll have your hands full dealing with a toddler this time around so the newborn lovemuffin is just going to learn that his mommy cannot tend to his all night scream-fest as she did with his older sister, unless he is actually being struck by lightning.

so don’t go hitting the panic button yet, lady, but maybe start lining up the troops of reinforcements you’ll need to help get you through this time.  start with grandma and grandpa (x2) but don’t forget our old pals zoloft, xanax, vodka, and wine.  you’ve got 66 days, give or take, to prepare yourself for the journey (drink!  oh, sorry.  that only applies when watching the bachelor) that lies ahead.  you can do it.  you may not see your sanity for the better part of two years (HA! as if you had a measurable amount of it to start with) but you will survive.

best of luck,

your better medicated self who speaks from a place of haunted memories